If only…

It’s hard to look back at baby pictures.  I see the twinkle in his eye and am reminded about his little budding personality and how he had such a mischievous grin whenever I walked into the room and found his latest “mess.”

I was a bit of a paranoid mom. I was scared he was going to get hurt “on my watch”….or choke.  Gosh, even today, the thought of my kids choking on something sends shivers down my spine.  I remember thinking…

  • if only he can sit up on his own, I won’t have to worry about him tipping over and hitting his head.
  • if only he can grow a little bigger, I won’t have to worry about him getting stuck in a corner of his crib and not being able to breathe.
  • if only he could talk, he could tell me what hurts

If only….

Now a days, I find myself hoping and dreaming about a few different “if only’s”….

  • if only he could have more language, he wouldn’t throw such intense meltdowns
  • if only he could tell me what makes him truly happy, we could do more of it
  • if only he could tell me what he wants his future to be like, we could plan for it

If only….

Fast forward 10+ years since his diagnosis and there are so many things I worried about that actually have gotten better….

if only he wouldn’t run out the front door;

  • today we can leave him “alone” for short periods of time and not worry about his escape

if only he would eat something other than bacon and juice boxes;

  • today he will try lots of new stuff, and will eat eggs and some vegetables

if only he would be able to quiet his mind and rest for an extended period of time;

  • today he has learned to self soothe and calm his body

if only he would care about birthdays and holidays;

  • today he counts down and looks forward with great anticipation (along with some anxiety too)

if only he would play with his sister;

  • today he will seek her out and say “anna come lay with me” and they giggle together at bedtime doing silly things

if only we could see into the future about what the next 10 years will be like…..

  • then maybe today I would learn to stop worrying…..

If only…..


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