“I cried”

“I cried”

I cried when you were diagnosed
I cried because I thought I did something to cause it
I cried because I wondered if I would ever hear your voice
I cried because I wanted you to live the childhood I imagined for you
I cried because I wanted you to have a typical relationship with your sibling
I cried because I worried that you wouldn’t have the capacity to learn
I cried because I worried that you wouldn’t have the capacity to love or be loved
I cried because you never asked for anything
I cried because I didn’t want people to treat you differently
I cried because you never seemed to notice or care when I wasn’t home
I cried because I worry that other kids will be mean to you
I cried because I was mourning the life I envisioned for our family
I cried every time I said the word autism because I feared the unknown
I cried because I worried about the future and what it holds for you

I cried when we found a doctor that “got it” and helped us to help you.
I cried when our early intervention speech therapist said you “would be a talker”
I cried the first time you pointed and said “Look!” when you saw fireworks
I cried the first time you showed compassion and empathy to your sister
I cried the first time you started yelling “mommy!!” or “daddy!!!”
I cried when I saw through your school work how you were learning all along
I cried when I realized you knew so much more than I ever imagined
I cried when you started to put words together and make basic sentences
I cried the first time you asked for a toy while out shopping

I cried sooooo many nights when your body would not let you sleep
I cried when you couldn’t tell me what hurt you
I cried when you didn’t have words to explain why you had a meltdown on the bus
I cried when I let the “comparison” monster get the best of me
I cried when I felt sad that you may not go to prom or college or get married
I cried when we had to leave the aquarium when you had a screaming meltdown
I cried when you left a bite mark on my arm that took two months to heal

I cried when I saw how much your teachers care and work to see you succeed
I cried the first time you did a chore around the house
I cried when I felt the kindness others have shown to you and our family
I cried when I realized what a special community we are a part of
I cried each time I realize how you have brought purpose into our lives
I cried when I see how independent you are becoming with self-care
I cried when I realized you are gonna be taller than me next year
I cried each time I get a glimpse of your sneaky side and catch you grinning

I cried a lot because I worry when I’m no longer around to care for you
I cried a lot thinking of your sister and wondering what your relationship will be like later on
I cried so much because of the love I have for you and your sister

I have cried a lot over the years… the journey isn’t always easy… some days it’s sad tears, and some days it’s happy tears. It’s important to let yourself go through all of those emotions. It’s important to do what’s right for YOU and your family. People will have all sorts of advice for you. But only YOU will know in your heart what to do. So, sometimes it’s a sad cry, and sometimes it’s an amazingly-ugly-sobbing-happy-cry!

In the end, all these up’s and down’s have really given me perspective about what truly matters.

—mrs b

 

(originally posted on Bacon and Juice Boxes facebook page on 12/5/16)


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